The crit group had their way with the new new draft of the novel this week. As a result, this has joined the (ever growing) file of Things That Have Been Cut From the Draft:
Nothing might eventually become something but something also knew how to become nothing. Sometimes it happened whether you fucking kicked and fought the whole way down. Other times… Shit thing about those were how hard you had to work at it.
The whole group agreed this had to go. I like it. Yes, it’s a tad overwritten but it expresses the main character’s mindset. Still, if something snags all your betas, then it’s worth scrutinizing.
As they talked, I began to see why–and not for any of the reasons they had said. They basically felt that they didn’t understand what it referred to and that it took them out of the moment.
Looking at it with my crit -goggles on, I could see that it’s a different tone and register than the rest of the chapter. It didn’t quite fit the character after all (this line had hung on from an earlier draft). Its placement at the end of the chapter disrupted the suspense and dissipated the reader’s urgency.
Needless to say, I don’t think I could have figured this out so clearly pre-Clarion.
So, a clear case of kill your darlings. As I doubt it will ever be resurrected elsewhere, I’m content to let this be it’s moment in the sun.